Perfectionism & Forgiveness

The other day I hosted an instructional leadership team for a day-long retreat.

Our focus was the team’s mission cohesion - and we did some great work there.

But what happens on retreat is that what  REALLY needs to be talked about and worked through, always seems to surface.

For this team it was PERFECTIONISM.

They wanted to be great in how they supported and nurtured teachers.

They were also feeling the tremendous pressure and weight of the importance and urgency in the work with kids.

One leader wiped tears from her eyes as she talked about wanting to support teachers where they are at while also knowing how much there was to work on and improve.  She felt so much pressure, she said.  And she didn’t know how to hold it all and make it fit together.

The other night I was lying in bed.

With my eyes closed a prayer rose up inside of me.

It was simply, “Forgive me.”

To me the concept of forgiveness is paired with a sense of harshness and failure because if we need to be forgiven, some mistake or failure must precede it.

I’ve spent many days just trying to not do something that would need to be forgiven.

But on that night, forgiveness felt totally different.

In the darkness, a smile came to my face and I felt my muscles release and loosen.

“Forgive me.”

I was talking to God but I was offering something to myself.

See, I’ve never identified as a perfectionist because it seems so wildly insane because of how imperfect I am.  

Now, at this moment, I’m aware this logic may in fact point to some pretty insidious perfectionism.

But in my mind, I was too:

• Lazy

• Overweight

• Selfish

• Unproductive

To be a perfectionist.

I don’t meal prep or read enough parenting books or volunteer or get up at 5 am to run.

I’m just so imperfect.

And I’ve been feeling it.  I’ve been feeling the sense of falling short, of not giving or being enough.

I’ve been feeling my own version of what the leaders I work with tell me about.  

A story about all the ways we could give more, stay later, offer to help, take on another job, and give to relationships that often take from us.

What if we could forgive ourselves for believing all this not-enoughness about ourselves?

What if we could forgive ourselves for ever thinking we needed to do it all or be perfect?

What if we could let it go?

I wonder if we could see ourselves better and not like we’re looking in some fun house mirror?

This leader on retreat, crying because she hadn’t done enough at her school.  She is easy for me to see.  She is hard working, diligent, consistent, caring, serious, focused, determined.  It’s easy to know that she wants to do right by kids and by the teachers she coaches and that pretty much every day she’s trying her best.

Is it perfect?

Probably not.

Just like me.

Maybe just like you.

So I guess the forgiveness I’m exploring is the idea of forgiving ourselves for being so hard on ourselves.

I’m going to keep saying my prayer.

You’re invited to try it on too.

Cheering you on in the great work you do,

Maggie

PS - I struggle to fully share the power of leadership team retreats but let me say, you and your team needs one.  I know this without knowing your exact situation because I know schools.  I know you give and serve and move quickly.  And I know that all leaders and their teams need time away from their buildings to take stock and reflect so that they can clearly see what’s working and what needs to be reimagined.  

Book a 30 minute call with me HERE and let’s talk about the most impactful retreat for your team next school year.  This is the perfect time to plan a day either at the return to school or in October for your team to come together in a highly supportive and customized environment, dedicated to your growth and greatness.  I love this work and can’t wait to talk with you!